What I Learned Today: Episode One

Things you should know … (and how I came about knowing them.)

So I go to eat in the cafeteria today for lunch at work which is something I rarely do. You see I like to cook, and so I usually make extra whenever I cook so I can then throw some in the fridge for later in the week. This week though my dad has been in town, so we’ve been eating out and I have had no lunches made.

So anyway, I’m in line at the cafeteria and I order myself a Chicken Caesar Wrap. I’ve had it several times, and it’s always been good, so I figure that it’s a safe bet. As the girl behind the counter goes to make it I’m not really paying attention because there is this hot woman in another line that I am looking at, and when I finally get around to paying attention to my order I notice that she is obviously not making a Chicken Caesar Wrap. By now though she is nearly finished, and there is a long line behind me. I’m not really that picky of an eater, so I figure that branching out will be good for me. Whatever this is she’s making has chicken and lettuce in it, and it’s a wrap, so who knows? Maybe I’ll like this better than my old stand by the Chicken Caesar Wrap, and then my little lunch adventure will have been a great success.

I get my wrap, go grab a bag of Miss Vickies Jalapeno Chips, a Cherry Coke and make my way to an open table near the window. Just then I realize that I’ve left my book that I intended to read on my desk. So now I’m faced with a dilemma. Do I walk back with my food and eat at my desk, or do I just go on to a table and sit by myself looking all lonely while these other people enjoy their lunches with their lunch buddies? You know if I sit by myself all of these other people are going to be staring at me wondering what is wrong with me and why don’t I have any friends that I can eat with. But on the other hand if I go back to my desk to eat I won’t have any peace because there will be the comptuer and the phone as distractions.

In the end I decide to take the easy way out and sit by myself. I’m here already and I don’t feel like walking back to my desk. Somehow I think I can bear the burden of knowing these people are ridiculing me behind my back for being a friendless loser. I know I’m not a friendless loser, so what do I care what they think.

After sitting I inspect my food wondering what this taste delight is going to bring, and right away I get a setback. Whatever this is has tomatoes in it, and I’m not a big fan of tomatoes. Now if tomatoes were the last food on earth I could probably eat them. I don’t hate them that much, but seeing that they are not the last food on earth and given a choice, I would prefer that my food not have tomatoes on it. I pick out the few readily accessible tomatoes that I see, but being too lazy to completely dismantle the wrap and then re-wrap it I figure whatever remaining tomatoes there are won’t kill me and I proceed onto the actual eating portion of this lunch break. Not bad I think; kind of spicy, but not bad.

So I finish my lunch, and though it wasn’t the great success that I had hoped this little adventure in eating would bring, it was also not a horrible catastrophe. Whatever that was it wasn’t better than the Chicken Caesar Wrap I had actually ordered, but it wasn’t bad. My hunger is satisfied, and now it’s back to the old grind. On my way back to my desk while riding the elevator up to my office I notice the cafeteria specials posted and I deduce from the specials that what I just had was either a “Buffalo Chicken Wrap” or a “Spicy Chicken Wrap” (see photo.)

Note to future self: Buffalo Chicken Wrap…not bad, but Chicken Caesar Wrap…better.

So I’m back at my desk, and already the combo of the Spicy Chicken/Buffalo Chicken Wrap (whichever that was) and the Miss Vickie’s Jalapeno Chips have my face sweating. You know that area of the face right above the cheeks but just below the lower eyelid? I’m not sure if there is some specific medical term for that area or not. I mean it’s not really your cheeks because those are on the sides, but it’s not the eyelid either. (If anyone knows what that place on your face is called shoot me an email mydogpoops@jeffcrupper.com because now I’ve got myself all worked up about it.) For now we’ll just refer to it as the upper cheekbone area, but if you prefer you can call it the extreme lower eyelid area. It’s not really that important to the story.

So my upper cheekbone( aka extreme lower eyelid area) is sweating, and I figure maybe I should go to the bathroom and wash my face. That’s usually pretty refreshing, and maybe it will cut down on the upper cheekbone/extreme lower eyelid area sweating that I am currently experiencing. I get to the restroom and figure: “well I’m here now, I may as well drain the main vein and make this a productive dual purpose expedition.” Bladder drainage accomplished, I mosey on over to the sink and proceed to wash my hands. Post hand washing I splash some water on my face, to relieve the sweating I had referred to earlier, take some paper towels, dry my hands and head back to the desk to tackle some exciting Microsoft Excel spreadsheets for the rest of the afternoon.

Well, shortly after returning to my desk I start getting a little uncomfortable feeling in the pant zone slash lap region, and now I know … If you’re going to eat a Spicy Chicken/Buffalo Chicken Wrap (whichever that was) accompanied by Miss Vickie’s Jalapeno Chips and your face starts to sweat; it is a bad idea to go to the bathroom to wash your face without washing your hands and getting the spicy stuff off of your fingers before you conduct any bladder drainage activities.